A Very Serious Fic In Which Seto Kaiba Is A Virgin
by Wildcard
Summary: See the title? Don't believe it. It lies. This story isn't serious at all. It's a spinoff from the A Very Serious Fic In Which Yami no Malik Is A Virgin, since that seemed to amuse so many people and also because really, this was just fun to write. Enjoy!


The Very Serious Story In Which Seto Is A Virgin (Sort Of).

"Do you think it really counts?" Jou's voice drifted down the hallway as Ryuuji walked back to the living-room where he had left his unexpected guests, making the green-eyed gamer arch an eyebrow. The two had popped in claiming that they needed his help with some computer project and figuring it would be simpler to agree than be pestered forevermore, Ryuuji had agreed to aid them as long as they sat down and had lunch with him first. Jou never got any work done on an empty stomach after all.

"Do you think what counts?" Ryuuji asked, sauntering into the room with a tray of drinks.The other two jumped, with what Ryuuji first took to be guilt, but then realized was just surprise as Honda replied easily enough, "Cyber sex – we were wondering if it counted as sex."

_"I didn't know that they even knew what cyber sex is..._ With an incredulous blink, Ryuuji canted his head at them and asked, "Why are you discussing this?"

With a sheepish shrug, Jou answered, "We were wondering if Kaiba's a virgin."

Blink.

Blink.

Blink. _I do NOT believe this!_

Setting the tray down on a table with exaggerated care, Ryuuji looked from first Jou to Honda, then back again, trying to see if they were serious. When he realized that not only were they serious but this probably had something to do with the computer project they had come to him for help with, he gave up and started laughing outright at them.

Jou flushed and took a drink from the table to cover it, downing the margherita without realizing how strong it was. After all, of the group, Ryuuji was the only one who really indulged in Western drinks, claiming it was a taste he had acquired during business dinners. It also meant that people tended to get drunk quickly around him, simply because they could never tell how alcoholic anything actually was.

Almost collapsing into a chair, Ryuuji nudged a drink towards Honda and asked the two of them in a slightly breathless tone, "Does Yuugi know about this?"

Glances were exchanged between the two boys, and this time it was Honda that explained, "Yeah - we asked him about it as well and he said that he didn't think we should talk about Kaiba's sex life."

Lips twisting together to hold back more laughter, Ryuuji nodded as seriously as he could, "I agree with Yuugi. You really shouldn't be talking about his sex life at all, let alone considering him having cyber sex."

"But O-to-gi!" Jou practically whined, giving Ryuuji his best pleading look, "We gotta know! Don't you want to know if he's as hormone-free as he acts? No way he can be that cold and be a teenage guy. I bet the only way he keeps himself like that is by jerking off to porn at home or cybering."

Logically, Ryuuji pointed out, "If masturbation was all it took to lose your virginity, I don't think anyone over the age of thirteen would qualify as a virgin."

Honda took over, agreeing, "Yeah, true, but still, don't you think that there's something fishy about how he never pays any girls in the school any attention? He's got to be getting some from somewhere else to do that!"

Highly amused, eyes starting to dance with mischief, Ryuuji suggested coolly, "Maybe he's just not interested in girls."

Jou snorted his disagreement with that, "He's male and a teenager so of course he's interested in girls. Probably just doesn't know how to talk to them since he spends all his time with that laptop of his, and has to go for online sex since he never gets laid in real life."

_That wasn't what I meant…_ A tad surprised that Jou hadn't picked up on what Ryuuji had implied, the green-eyed gamer tried again, "Why girls though? Maybe he just likes guys."

That earned him two looks of blatant disbelief, and Ryuuji raised both of his hands in front of him as if to shield himself, "Okay, okay, forget that idea. He likes girls." A pause, and he got back to the original topic, trying not to laugh, "And apparently has cybersex with them because he's hopeless at real human contact."

"Yes!" Jou nodded enthusiastically, pleased that Ryuuji was finally getting it and Honda smirked as well before downing his drink.

Ryuuji sighed, then gave them both a half-amused, half-exasperated look. "Fine. But what does all of that have to do with me?"

Bluntly, Honda replied, "We need you to hack into Kaiba's system so we can get proof."

Instantly, Ryuuji pointed at the door. Lips twitching with repressed laughter, he declared dramatically, "OUT!"

"But you've gotta listen to us!" Jou pleaded, refusing to move from the comfy black leather couch. "We need your help! You're the only one who's got a chance of cracking his system and checking for logs that'll prove he's getting cyber tail!"

Disregarding entirely the mention of 'cyber tail', Ryuuji shook his head firmly, "I don't care what you think. Kaiba specializes in hacking; trying to break into his system would probably result in every bulb in the house blowing out and all electronic applications hating me for the rest of my life. I am not suicidal, and I don't appreciate you trying to get me killed."

"Oh, we don't have to do it from here!" Jou piped up brightly, jangling a keychain happily. The steel keys swung back and forth in front of Ryuuji's eyes, and he snatched it from the other with an annoyed look as Jou continued, "I 'borrowed' the keys to the school from the custodian. We can sneak in and use the school computers – that way, Kaiba can't trace who it is." 

And although that argument wasn't convincing to Ryuuji, the fact that Jou had actually planned ahead for a change showed that the two boys were serious about this. Meaning that Ryuuji could protest as much as he wanted, but he'd probably get dragged into it anyway. So, the longer he protested, the more he delayed the inevitable whereas if he gave in now, then he could just prove that it was impossible to hack into Kaiba's setup and get away relatively quickly.

Bearing that in mind, the boy sighed, and raked a hand through his hair. "Fine. I'll do it." Holding up a hand imperiously to stop the cheering from Hond and Jou, he added quickly, "If, and only if, both you promise never to tell anyone about this and if we can't get in, you don't pester me about this ever again. Clear?"

After the other two readily assented, they left house and headed for the computer lab in school. As promised, they had no problem getting in, although once they were in, Ryuuji had to stop Jou from heading straight to the cafeteria.

"We're here on a mission!" Of course, as soon as Ryuuji said that, he regretted it. If he had just kept his mouth shut, he might have been able to get away without needing to even try to hack Kaiba's computer. As it was, he found himself being sat down in front of a computer, with a boy on each side of him eagerly munching snacks. 

_They're treating it like a movie or something!_ Determined to make no more than a token attempt to hack into Kaiba's system, Ryuuji booted the computer up, then started to download his favorite cracks, opening a console to code and compile his own special tricks. After all, if it was already out there, Kaiba could have blocks for it, meaning the only way to get in would be to create something new or alter the standard bases to the point that they were unrecognizable. It was easy enough to do after all, so Ryuuji didn't really expect any results when he ran the monster program that had finally compiled.

Of course, Jou and Honda refused to believe that Ryuuji hadn't been serious when a backdoor to the Kaiba Corp system popped up right in front of them. Jaw-dropped, Ryuuji just stared at it while the other two high-fived each other above his head. _But that shouldn't have worked!_

Nevertheless, now that it had worked, he didn't really have a choice but to go through with it… Reluctantly tapping away at the keyboard with professional ease, he accessed the Net connection and cookies folder, opening up the History as well to see which sites had been accessed recently.

"…AIM!" Ryuuji sat back in the chair, in absolutely shock. Why on earth would Kaiba have a link to a chat service download site?

Jou sniggered and told Ryuuji, "Told you he's getting his share of online sex to keep him so cool at other times."

Ryuuji just shook his head, refusing to believe the other two were right. "No way. He's not using it. He just navigated there by accident or something."

"Yeah? Then why does it show him as online right now?" Honda smirked slyly, pointing at the screen where indeed the Net connection was flashing red, and the little AIM symbol shown in bold. Without even thinking about it, Ryuuji lunged at the keyboard again, calling up a trace to enable them to be able to spy on the chatroom.

Nothing.

He was locked out. Infuriated green eyes stared at the screen, and Ryuuji started to type frantically, "I am going to prove you two wrong if it takes all day!"

Three hours later, Honda was playing some type of shooting game against Jou and Ryuuji was still typing.

Five hours later, Honda had brought them pizza and Ryuuji was snatching at slices while waiting for programs to compile.

Twelve hours later, Honda was asleep, so was Jou but Ryuuji was still typing.

His speed had slowed down though, and he was rubbing at tired eyes, wondering why on earth Kaiba would spend over twelve hours in a chatroom. Oddly enough, when he opened his eyes again, it was to see the connection deactivated.

When Honda and Jou finally woke up, Ryuuji was no longer there.

"Why didn't they just ask?" Kaiba inquired, lightly running a hair through Ryuuji's hair while pulling the sheets up over the two of them. Still sulking a little, Ryuuji shrugged, "I didn't tell them that we're together yet because of the whole publicity thing. And only someone suicidal would ask you anything."

Kaiba nodded, conceding that point, then smirked slightly in a teasing manner, "Still, you should have known better than to think that I'd really spend twelve hours in a chatroom engaging in sexual activities of a digital nature."

Flushing slightly, Ryuuji playfully whacked Kaiba lightly with a pillow, "How was I supposed to know that Mokuba got back from his holidays early and instantly went online to talk to all his new friends! That chatroom was locked up tighter than a nun's girdle!"

"Of course. I wouldn't want any predators making their way into it." Kaiba retorted, smoothly dodging the intended hit and smirking at Ryuuji again. "Though, I do have a question now."

Expectantly, Ryuuji arched an eyebrow, "Yes?"

"Seeing as I've never had cybersex, does that make me a cybervirgin?"

Moments later, the mansion echoed with a loud yell of "SETO!"

Fin.

Author's note: That was a continuation or spin-off of sorts from the first Very Serious Fic I wrote, which concerned YnMalik being a virgin. Since it was so well received, I wrote a sequel of sorts – here's hoping it pleased as many people as the original did!


End file.
